First off I am shy. I don't recall every being this shy. I mean in College I was more talkative and out going, and same in the work force, but now, and maybe all along I have been so shy that I come off rude, or mean or snobbish because I am so quite. I try to be more outgoing, more talkative and to be braver with initiating conversations and such but its like I go all numb. I want to contribute to a conversation or say something witty but my voice gets stuck in my throat. There are very few people who see the real me where I am silly, and outgoing and loud and hyper and not afraid to say anything on my mind and it takes me a really long time to get that way with people. Its harder now that I move around so much, or I am always saying goodbye to friends who I meet and then they move away to let people in. That's another thing, I'm very guarded. I have a wall up and its very rare I put down my wall for people. I mean even Chris had to over come my wall. After I had Jordan I changed and I became guarded of my son and myself. It didn't help dealing with the wives who give military wives a bad name.
Also I have panic attacks. These were rare in the past but have over time become more common. I hate making phone calls, and it takes me along time to be able to call even a friend. There are still family members I panic over calling and I end up sending emails or just not calling. Again this makes me look like a flake but I really am not, at least in the whole shy/phone call aspect of things. I know there is medicine out there to help with these but I hate taking medicine, it takes a very painful headache for me to even consider popping a Tylenol.
What else can I say about myself. I think I am a nice person. I try to be at least. I try not to gossip or create drama, that is all apart of my past. If I do gossip usually its only to two people, my mom or my husband. These are the two people I can tell anything too. I trust them and go to them for advice. My husband tells me I am to nice. To the point that I let people walk all over me. I am working on that. I am trying to build a back bone and speak my mind more. I used to always worry what others thought about me, now I am caring less and less when it comes to certain people. I hate confrontation.
I know, I sound like a wimp, and maybe I am. I have been through allot, though that is one thing I wont go into on here, but it changed me and made me more cautious. I do think I have changed for the better though, even when I need to work on being more aggressive and not so passive.
I cry now more than I ever did. Over the stupidest things. A song, a commercial, a movie or TV show. I blame the kids, they make you soft.
My biggest fear is losing my kids or my husband. I would do anything for them. I cant imagine them not in my life. Having a husband in the military its hard when he leaves and I know there is a chance he may not come home. Granted everyday you risk something horrible happening, but its hard to kiss my husband goodbye and pray he comes home to me safe and sound.
I got a college degree in Medical coding and billing. I don't remember why I went into that field but I kicked ass in it. I graduated with honors and was always on the deans list and had an almost perfect GPA (it would have been perfect but I did not always have the views needed for my law and ethics class, guess that's what you get when you have an old bat who believes you should not have kids unless you are married, but that is another story) I loved College, and if I had the time, or money I would so go back, though this time for a degree I want to pursue, though I still don't know what that is.
I am a night owl. I could stay up all night and sleep all day, though I don't because that would not make for a very good wife or mom now would it? I am also the worlds lightest sleeper and wake up at the drop of a hat. I have to sleep in total darkness, and I have to sleep facing the door, on my side, thank goodness my husband could care less what side of the bed he sleeps on because otherwise we might have problems. I blame my sister for this. When I was a small child she would tell me horror stories and have me watch scary movies when she babysat that left me sleeping the way I do now. The only difference from then and now is I no longer sleep with the covers wrapped around my head so only my nose and eyes peak out.
So yeah, there is a small insight into me, I know its not allot, but its a start.
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