I want to scream. To scream really loud and I want to use profanity as well because I'm that pissed off and maybe just maybe this would make me feel somewhat better, even for a second, but little kids are here in listening range and so I wont scream because then they would think mommy has lost it (which I haven't)
Have you ever felt like you are being pushed into doing something you don't want to do? Like you know you should be saying "no" but instead find yourself saying "yes" and then you hate yourself because now you have to do the thing you agreed too that you really don't want to do. Does this make any sense?
I have this problem where I cant say no. A friend can say "hey, watch my kids for 8 hours so I can work" and even though I am busy I nod and say "OK" I got this from my dad, he never could say no, hell that's what got him arrested when he took the blame for something that other people (including himself) did, he got fired and went to jail, they did not. Granted I would never, EVER do anything like that, but still I find myself kicking myself allot over the fact that I did not say no. Damn me.
What I really hate is those people who ask you a question, want you to do something and you cant, and you have to say no, and then suddenly they hate you or turn into assholes because they think the whole world should stop for them, yes, I know these people. Why should I care then if they get mad at me for saying no to them? If I don't want to do something, if I feel pressured and bullied into it why would I care what they think, especially if they don't understand things like "I'm sorry we have plans"
Today I'm wishing I could channel the bitch and stand up for myself, but I don't see that happening because for some damn reason I have this thing where I want people to like me, not hate me even when I shouldn't care what they think.
Now that Ive probably confused some of you on my rants of something that goes much deeper then this I'm going to stop ranting, on this topic anyways.
I miss my husband, this is the time where I want him here most because he helps me stand up for myself and gives me advice, and right now I cant even talk to him, well not till 1am when he is allowed to call me (those calls by the way are so exhausting because that means usually a 3 am bedtime for me)
I'm just glad I get some retail therapy Friday (Allbertville outlet mall for school clothes shopping) which continues onto Saturday at Rosedale. The small things that help put me in a better mood then my current one. Oh, and we cant forget the best part of the weekend which is getting my hair done and hopefully a pedicure as well. I know I might sound shallow with the last comment about shopping and hair, but I rarely do anything for me so this is a treat.
I just want it to be August already so I can leave and get back to life in WA (I never thought I would say that, me miss WA, wow) but mostly I want to get back to life with my husband.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Reflections of my weekend
I don't want to offend anyone by my observation so if I do I apologize.
I have never spread any ones ashes before, nor have I ever seen the ashes of someones body. So it was weird and hard to have to pull the bag of ashes out of the box we got from the funeral home and see what they looked like. It was even harder/weirder to know this once was my fathers body that now was in a bag tied together with a zip tie. I was the one to spread them, my sister told me she couldn't do it.
The ashes are spread, finally after 2 years of wondering where to spread them and find time to spread them. As I said it was weird and hard. There are other words to describe how I felt but I wont go into to much detail on my emotions. We walked out onto a dock that was secluded from every one else. Rhonda holding Hannah's hand, Jordan standing next to where I was kneeling and we said our goodbyes, the lords prayer and I slowly dumped the ashes into the lake. Jordan was very sweet and as we were walking down the dock back to the car he turned and said "goodbye grandpa, I miss you and will always love you" Hannah obviously didn't understand what was going on, but she sat there watching and I one day will be able to tell her she was there with us when we spread his ashes.
Everyone said it would be closure, so why don't I feel like it is?
This whole experience has filled me with the what ifs in life.
What if my mom and dad never divorced? What if he didn't gamble and lie? What if he didn't disappear out of our lives and was more of an active part of it? What would life have been like?
I love my step dad, and he became more of a dad to me, and a grandfather to my kids then my dad was, but I still wish and wonder things could have been different. Maybe, just maybe if my dad had chose a different path, took better care of himself, stayed in touch and was more active after the divorce we would have been closer and maybe he would be alive and I wouldn't have felt like he died along time ago, not just two years ago. I mean he is my dad, and I love him, I will always love him and miss him, but he pushed us away, like he forgot about us and I just wish for him and for us (my kids, my sister and brother, and me) that things would have been different. But all the wondering doesn't change life, doesn't change the past and it gets me know where but feeling guilty for wondering those things.
I have never spread any ones ashes before, nor have I ever seen the ashes of someones body. So it was weird and hard to have to pull the bag of ashes out of the box we got from the funeral home and see what they looked like. It was even harder/weirder to know this once was my fathers body that now was in a bag tied together with a zip tie. I was the one to spread them, my sister told me she couldn't do it.
The ashes are spread, finally after 2 years of wondering where to spread them and find time to spread them. As I said it was weird and hard. There are other words to describe how I felt but I wont go into to much detail on my emotions. We walked out onto a dock that was secluded from every one else. Rhonda holding Hannah's hand, Jordan standing next to where I was kneeling and we said our goodbyes, the lords prayer and I slowly dumped the ashes into the lake. Jordan was very sweet and as we were walking down the dock back to the car he turned and said "goodbye grandpa, I miss you and will always love you" Hannah obviously didn't understand what was going on, but she sat there watching and I one day will be able to tell her she was there with us when we spread his ashes.
Everyone said it would be closure, so why don't I feel like it is?
This whole experience has filled me with the what ifs in life.
What if my mom and dad never divorced? What if he didn't gamble and lie? What if he didn't disappear out of our lives and was more of an active part of it? What would life have been like?
I love my step dad, and he became more of a dad to me, and a grandfather to my kids then my dad was, but I still wish and wonder things could have been different. Maybe, just maybe if my dad had chose a different path, took better care of himself, stayed in touch and was more active after the divorce we would have been closer and maybe he would be alive and I wouldn't have felt like he died along time ago, not just two years ago. I mean he is my dad, and I love him, I will always love him and miss him, but he pushed us away, like he forgot about us and I just wish for him and for us (my kids, my sister and brother, and me) that things would have been different. But all the wondering doesn't change life, doesn't change the past and it gets me know where but feeling guilty for wondering those things.
Monday, July 7, 2008
A Lonely heart #2
I was telling my sister about how people make rude comments and complete strangers ask about my daughter not having hair. Usually I just smile and tell them she does not have cancer, and that she so far is fine according to doctors and it is just taking forever to come in. She told me that when people come up and ask "oh, does your daughter have cancer" to make a comment that will make them fill small and stupid, but I'm not like that, I cant think in a seconds notice a snappy snide comment. She can, but then again she has been put in a situation more times then I can count where she needs a snappy snide comment to put people in their place. See my sister is going blind, and people at her work make comments all the time about her eye sight. Not that I should be saying this, she is a to her self and would be upset if she found out I mentioned it. I wish I was more like her, but I'm not. When people make stupid comments or rude remarks or stick their noses where they do not belong I just ignore it, or walk away. I think that is something for me to work on.
Chris as we speak is on his way to L.A. Is it wrong of me to be jealous of my husband. I guess its he gets to travel all over the place. He has been to FL, and CT. He is going to LA and probably soon Texas. I know its for work, and I know he would rather be with me and the kids then away again for schools and training but he gets to see the world and I don't, not to the extent he is. I know this is stupid of me to even feel this way, but Id love to be able to say "oh yeah, Ive been there" I know as the years go on, and especially when Chris retires at 40 (yes, if he stays in the military till he retires he will only be 40, Ill be 39 and our kids will be in college) then we can travel and see places together, but I just am kind of envious of him. I know he probably fills the same way about me. Wishing he could stay at home with the kids. Playing with them and watching them grow. Its funny how that works, the whole the grass always seems greener on the other side.
This Saturday I'm traveling to South Dakota to spread my dads ashes. Three years ago on the fourth of July (also Chris and mine anniversary) we flew home because my dad was in critical condition and had a 1% chance of surviving. We thought it was the end and we were coming home to say goodbye and have a funeral. However my dad pulled threw, only to die a few months later. Its been two years of hanging on to his ashes, trying to find the perfect place to spread them and find a time I could come back to MN so my sister and I could spread them. We decided on a lake where he grew up. It is a place that has the most memories and a place where my aunt and uncle had their ashes spread and his cousin had drown (who was also his best friend) Its going to be hard, just me and my sister. Apart of me doesn't want to spread the ashes because it will seem so final, but another part of me knows it will be closure. Chris wont be here, which makes it harder. I was lucky to have him here when my dad went into the hospital and even luckier when my dad did pass to lean on, but I wish I could have him here for this. Ive dealt with many times where he has been deployed or away with work and you would think Id be used to doing things myself but its never easy doing things like this. All I know is its going to be a hard weekend.
Speaking of times my husband and I have been apart, this anniversary (our 6Th) was hard. I knew it would be, but I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was. We had gone up north with my parents and there was a point where my step dad and step brother had taken the boys out on the lake to watch fireworks and there was a spot from my parents place you could see them so I picked up Hannah and we walked down the road to a clearing in the trees to seem them better. Its the first time Hannah has seen fireworks that she has had a reaction. She loved it. The smile on her face, the awe in her eyes. fireworks is an anniversary thing, so its special to Chris and me. So for me to watch them without him was hard, and it was even harder to see Hannah's reaction and her looking so damn cute and know that he was missing out on that moment with her and of course to make things harder Hannah turns to me and says "Mommy, I miss daddy, I want to go home" (and by home she meant to WA) I almost lost it, tears swelled up into my eyes and all I wanted was to pack up and head to where my husband was. Missing him will never get easier, and Aug. 13 will not come soon enough (when we arrive back in GA and he gets back from training)
On a more happy note, for me at least I found out American Girl is coming to the Mall of America. I was happy to hear this since Hannah loves American girl. It wont open till November but at least when we come to visit next time (God knows when that will be though) we can take Hannah who will be so excited.
Chris as we speak is on his way to L.A. Is it wrong of me to be jealous of my husband. I guess its he gets to travel all over the place. He has been to FL, and CT. He is going to LA and probably soon Texas. I know its for work, and I know he would rather be with me and the kids then away again for schools and training but he gets to see the world and I don't, not to the extent he is. I know this is stupid of me to even feel this way, but Id love to be able to say "oh yeah, Ive been there" I know as the years go on, and especially when Chris retires at 40 (yes, if he stays in the military till he retires he will only be 40, Ill be 39 and our kids will be in college) then we can travel and see places together, but I just am kind of envious of him. I know he probably fills the same way about me. Wishing he could stay at home with the kids. Playing with them and watching them grow. Its funny how that works, the whole the grass always seems greener on the other side.
This Saturday I'm traveling to South Dakota to spread my dads ashes. Three years ago on the fourth of July (also Chris and mine anniversary) we flew home because my dad was in critical condition and had a 1% chance of surviving. We thought it was the end and we were coming home to say goodbye and have a funeral. However my dad pulled threw, only to die a few months later. Its been two years of hanging on to his ashes, trying to find the perfect place to spread them and find a time I could come back to MN so my sister and I could spread them. We decided on a lake where he grew up. It is a place that has the most memories and a place where my aunt and uncle had their ashes spread and his cousin had drown (who was also his best friend) Its going to be hard, just me and my sister. Apart of me doesn't want to spread the ashes because it will seem so final, but another part of me knows it will be closure. Chris wont be here, which makes it harder. I was lucky to have him here when my dad went into the hospital and even luckier when my dad did pass to lean on, but I wish I could have him here for this. Ive dealt with many times where he has been deployed or away with work and you would think Id be used to doing things myself but its never easy doing things like this. All I know is its going to be a hard weekend.
Speaking of times my husband and I have been apart, this anniversary (our 6Th) was hard. I knew it would be, but I didn't expect it to be as hard as it was. We had gone up north with my parents and there was a point where my step dad and step brother had taken the boys out on the lake to watch fireworks and there was a spot from my parents place you could see them so I picked up Hannah and we walked down the road to a clearing in the trees to seem them better. Its the first time Hannah has seen fireworks that she has had a reaction. She loved it. The smile on her face, the awe in her eyes. fireworks is an anniversary thing, so its special to Chris and me. So for me to watch them without him was hard, and it was even harder to see Hannah's reaction and her looking so damn cute and know that he was missing out on that moment with her and of course to make things harder Hannah turns to me and says "Mommy, I miss daddy, I want to go home" (and by home she meant to WA) I almost lost it, tears swelled up into my eyes and all I wanted was to pack up and head to where my husband was. Missing him will never get easier, and Aug. 13 will not come soon enough (when we arrive back in GA and he gets back from training)
On a more happy note, for me at least I found out American Girl is coming to the Mall of America. I was happy to hear this since Hannah loves American girl. It wont open till November but at least when we come to visit next time (God knows when that will be though) we can take Hannah who will be so excited.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
A bit of this, and a bit of that
I have lots to say. Ive had lots to say for awhile but either haven't gotten around to it, haven't been in the mood to write, or the computer my parents have acts up because its old and dumb and I could kick myself when Chris asked if he should pack up one of our laptops in which I said "no, we need the room plus we can use my parents" ha, ha, ha, in my face for trying to save room in the van, plus a laptop doesn't take up much room. Its so bad that I really have been tempted to run off and by a laptop to use here (hey, we've been talking about buying one soon anyways, so why not now? okay, I know why not now, because if I wait to buy it at the NEX I don't pay taxes which saves some money when your talking over a grand already, and again I really don't need it, Ill just hold out and deal with the slowness of my parents with all its wonderful glitches.
So here I am, hoping my kids can leave me to a few moments of quietness and not need a fight to be broken up (the verbal kind, not the physical kind) and the dogs (yes, the dogs) behave. So we better get to it, because lord knows I don't have long.
I miss my husband. Not that it is a surprise. I'm here in MN, and he is in WA and on Friday the 4Th of July we will be celebrating our 6Th wedding anniversary, and we will be apart. Trust me, its only $310 dollars for me to fly out tomorrow night and come back on Sunday. Its tempting. No kids, house to ourselves and a weekend together before he leaves for L.A. and I have to come back and get the kids. Its going to be a sucky weekend, even with family and friends and activities all because I wont be with my husband. I should be used to this, I think we have only spent 2 out of these 6 anniversary's together, but it doesn't mean it makes it easier, right? I still could get a plane ticket....so tempting, so very tempting, but really, that's $310 dollars that could go elsewhere, like school clothing, or towards our Vegas fund.
Speaking of my husband, he called and via phone did the whole preparing for deployment sheet. Its really sad and morbid in a way. We both fill our a form so if something happens to him or me things are taken care of. It happens before every deployment, but still it sucks to fill out. Not just because your talking about what happens if he doesn't come back, or something happens to me while he is gone (or the kids) but it means he is leaving, eventually. I don't know when, this is the one time I'm clueless and even if I did I couldn't tell anyone, but it means it will happen, and eventually I will be spending months as a single mother (in away)
And even though you cant hear them, my kids just started to fight (again) I'm going to attempt to ignore them, maybe they will work it. yep, still here fighting, off to break it up. See, my time on here is sometimes so short lived. Oh well, Ill be back...eventually. Guess Ill have to leave all my things to say for another time.
So here I am, hoping my kids can leave me to a few moments of quietness and not need a fight to be broken up (the verbal kind, not the physical kind) and the dogs (yes, the dogs) behave. So we better get to it, because lord knows I don't have long.
I miss my husband. Not that it is a surprise. I'm here in MN, and he is in WA and on Friday the 4Th of July we will be celebrating our 6Th wedding anniversary, and we will be apart. Trust me, its only $310 dollars for me to fly out tomorrow night and come back on Sunday. Its tempting. No kids, house to ourselves and a weekend together before he leaves for L.A. and I have to come back and get the kids. Its going to be a sucky weekend, even with family and friends and activities all because I wont be with my husband. I should be used to this, I think we have only spent 2 out of these 6 anniversary's together, but it doesn't mean it makes it easier, right? I still could get a plane ticket....so tempting, so very tempting, but really, that's $310 dollars that could go elsewhere, like school clothing, or towards our Vegas fund.
Speaking of my husband, he called and via phone did the whole preparing for deployment sheet. Its really sad and morbid in a way. We both fill our a form so if something happens to him or me things are taken care of. It happens before every deployment, but still it sucks to fill out. Not just because your talking about what happens if he doesn't come back, or something happens to me while he is gone (or the kids) but it means he is leaving, eventually. I don't know when, this is the one time I'm clueless and even if I did I couldn't tell anyone, but it means it will happen, and eventually I will be spending months as a single mother (in away)
And even though you cant hear them, my kids just started to fight (again) I'm going to attempt to ignore them, maybe they will work it. yep, still here fighting, off to break it up. See, my time on here is sometimes so short lived. Oh well, Ill be back...eventually. Guess Ill have to leave all my things to say for another time.
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