Damn me

I want to scream. To scream really loud and I want to use profanity as well because I'm that pissed off and maybe just maybe this would make me feel somewhat better, even for a second, but little kids are here in listening range and so I wont scream because then they would think mommy has lost it (which I haven't)

Have you ever felt like you are being pushed into doing something you don't want to do? Like you know you should be saying "no" but instead find yourself saying "yes" and then you hate yourself because now you have to do the thing you agreed too that you really don't want to do. Does this make any sense?

I have this problem where I cant say no. A friend can say "hey, watch my kids for 8 hours so I can work" and even though I am busy I nod and say "OK" I got this from my dad, he never could say no, hell that's what got him arrested when he took the blame for something that other people (including himself) did, he got fired and went to jail, they did not. Granted I would never, EVER do anything like that, but still I find myself kicking myself allot over the fact that I did not say no. Damn me.

What I really hate is those people who ask you a question, want you to do something and you cant, and you have to say no, and then suddenly they hate you or turn into assholes because they think the whole world should stop for them, yes, I know these people. Why should I care then if they get mad at me for saying no to them? If I don't want to do something, if I feel pressured and bullied into it why would I care what they think, especially if they don't understand things like "I'm sorry we have plans"

Today I'm wishing I could channel the bitch and stand up for myself, but I don't see that happening because for some damn reason I have this thing where I want people to like me, not hate me even when I shouldn't care what they think.

Now that Ive probably confused some of you on my rants of something that goes much deeper then this I'm going to stop ranting, on this topic anyways.

I miss my husband, this is the time where I want him here most because he helps me stand up for myself and gives me advice, and right now I cant even talk to him, well not till 1am when he is allowed to call me (those calls by the way are so exhausting because that means usually a 3 am bedtime for me)

I'm just glad I get some retail therapy Friday (Allbertville outlet mall for school clothes shopping) which continues onto Saturday at Rosedale. The small things that help put me in a better mood then my current one. Oh, and we cant forget the best part of the weekend which is getting my hair done and hopefully a pedicure as well. I know I might sound shallow with the last comment about shopping and hair, but I rarely do anything for me so this is a treat.

I just want it to be August already so I can leave and get back to life in WA (I never thought I would say that, me miss WA, wow) but mostly I want to get back to life with my husband.