Reader beware, sappiness ahead

Let me tell you how my day started. I woke up with my husband next to me. I know some might go "why is that a big deal" and some know why it is. After him being gone for weeks on end, or so it feel at least, and knowing he should not be here and soon wont be here for several more weeks and then some makes this a huge deal getting this added bonus time with him. To kiss him and hug him and talk to him and be with him makes me so happy right now. I know when he leaves again I will cry, which is something I hardly do anymore when he leaves for good, but this time I know it will be that much harder on me. For now I am basking in the moments and enjoying them. I knew he was coming home, we get a phone call letting us know and I did not tell the kids, I like to let them be surprised when he comes walking threw the door, and this time was no different. Hannah's face all lite up and the smile that spread from ear to ear was priceless. Jordan running down the steps at full speed and throwing himself into Chris's arms was adorable and me without my camera trying to give the kids their chances to tackle daddy with hugs and kisses and talking over each other before I got my turn in hugs and kisses. Those are always good days, those days where we are united as a family once again and there is nothing but happiness and smiles and laughter. 

Chris said that his first night here he kept rolling over to make sure I was really next to him. He said he just got so used to sleeping on that small bunk without me there that this all seemed like a dream. Of Course leave it to Hannah to cling to daddy and think she should sleep in our bed with us (she is worried he will leave again, which I have yet to tell her is true) I think she is afraid if she lets him out of her sight he will disappear. 

Needless to say we are one very happy family right now, and after talking to Chris our Vegas trip is a go so now its just narrowing down hotels between Flamingo, Planet Hollywood or the Bellagio) so I am excited, wait...I should rephrase that to we are excited. Our first real vacation with no kids. Oh my god I am so going to get drunk, and have fun, and yeah, well you get the point that we will enjoy ourselves. 

Off to be with my husband and kids and be blissfully happy for as long as it will last. I wont cry, I wont cry, I wont cry....

Of all the things I expected to happen today being attacked by a tree was not one of them

I sat there tonight in a sad attempt to fall asleep looking at the empty side of the bed. A side that has been empty for a few weeks now and when It hit me how much longer I would have to sleep in the bed where my husband should be I started to cry and cry and cry some more. Up until now I have held it together. I have had moments where I sit and my heart hurts but it passes because I push myself onto other things to keep me busy and my mind preoccupied so the heart that hurts is forgotten as much as possible. It’s never fully forgotten, at least not for me. It always throbs with the loneliness and many ways I miss him, but there is not much I can do about that now is there but to go on with each day and with each day realize that it’s a day closer to him coming home.

I had confided in a friend whose husband barely goes out to sea or works long hours a few days ago, a friend who has no kids and she mocked me about being sad. Maybe I am not a normal military wife but how can someone not miss there husband when he is gone. When you can’t call him up when there is a problem or the kids are sick? You can’t see him or hear his voice or read a letter. I’d like to believe this is how most wives feel but maybe I am wrong. As I said I should be used to this, Ive done so many patrols. Patrols where Ive had to do deal with the deaths of Grandparents and friends, Aunts and Uncles. Having morning sickness, and dealing with a new born baby. I had to plan and almost attend a wedding by myself due to delays and by the grace of a very understanding and wonderful XO did I get my husband home for that day or else I would have done it alone. I have had to move while I was 6 months pregnant.
So why is this one so hard? I am guessing that it just feels hard, and I am pretty certain that with every patrol I felt this way but then you just get so used to is that it is still hard but it’s what you know, and then the patrol ends and they come home and you soon forget about that patrol and don’t deal with it till the next one.

I am strong, and for the friend who told me I was not, well you are wrong. I wish I could have my husband go out to sea and not notice, not care he is gone and not be sad. I wish when my kids were both sick and then they get me sick and I have to do it all alone I did not break down and cry wishing my husband was there to help out even just a little. Everyone handles patrols differently I guess, and just because I miss my husband does not make me weak, but I would like to believe normal and maybe this is mean, but a good wife.

I knew marrying Chris that the military always comes first. That we move where they tell us to, and that him missing holidays and birthdays and anniversaries was something that would happen. I get that, I accept it. I have told my husband time and time again that we would follow him to the ends of the earth no matter how horrible the place might be. (but let’s hope that never, EVER happens)because it is what you do as a military wife. It’s something that comes with the territory. Still does not mean life is always easy and you don’t curse the skies because you’re having a bad day and you don’t have the one person you want to vent to the most around or a shoulder to cry on. Would I trade this for anything else, no, I may have to give up dreams of going back to college for now, or traveling or buying and living in a house for longer the 3 years but I know with patience and time those things will come. If I really wanted to end this lifestyle I would tell my husband to no re-enlist next year (or is it this year, wow, time flies) But I know that in this economy even with both of us having degrees this is the best option for us and honestly Chris has been blessed with many opportunity’s and open doors that I think once we do get out we will be better off, or so I hope.

So I am not going to apologize for having weak moments or feel like a bad wife for missing my husband. Honestly I don’t know why I feel like I have to justify that comment at all, but here I am anyway doing just that. Oh well. So what, I miss my husband. I find myself looking out the upstairs window that overlooks where Chris’s truck should be, I sometimes accidentally set a 4Th place setting for dinner and I often buy a movie we wanted to see in theaters with the intention of watching it only to put it aside where it will wait for a husband, a blanket and a bucket of popcorn.

I think that hardest part is for Chris. I realized today as I carried Hannah upstairs and she had her little hands wrapped around my neck and her head on my shoulder that when he gets back she will be too big and old to wrap her little arms around his neck. She will have outgrown that cuddly stage where she wants to sit on your lap or wants lots of hugs. I already see how she is changing. I mean the girl is going to school next year and he will miss her first day. Watching her cross the street to the school grounds with Jordan. Jordan himself is turning more into a teenager even though he still has 3 years till he can officially be called that. They grow and change so fast. I Watch them grow and learn and make accomplishments and he misses out. I think that for me is the hardest part, not doing it alone but wishing he was here to witness all this with me. I know that is what a camcorder is for, but It’s not the same.

Maybe I should stop writing and go to bed, the drowsiness is making me ramble and I probably don’t make any sense at all today.

On a side note I was attacked by a tree today. No, not a real one but our fake Christmas tree. See I took it down and realized Chris had put all the boxes up in the rafters behind lots of stuff and not wanting to kill myself to get to them I decided to put the three tree pieces in the storage closet in the garage, and forgetting about it when I opened the door they all came crashing down on me. It was not fun and I have scratches to prove it. Remind me when my husband does get back that there is a tree that will attack him to when he opens to closet door and until then I think I should put a sign on the door to remind myself as well, especially seeing as I hardly ever go in there.

Never mind.

I had written a blog that spoke my mind, and how I felt. I said I was going to be more brave I guess would be a word I could use, however I turned into a chicken and deleted the post. Maybe once those people are addressed by my husband than I will re post it, and all the drama that goes with it, but for now I am playing nice.

I still feel strongly that if you can not afford to get married by the justice of the peace and need to have someone pay for it than you should not be getting married, especially when those people that paid for it are already paying 15,000 plus for a big wedding several months later. 

OK, so I was tempted to delete all blogs and start from scratch (again) wow, how sad am I? As I said I have a problem with starting over when I do not like what I am doing, this drives my husband insane.

Get this, when we first moved here a neighbor asked us to please leave our outside light off in the backyard because it shines into their bedroom. We said that wont be a problem, however they do not apply to the same rule and have there back light on about 4 nights out of the week. (and no, they don't live behind us, they live next to us, there is no one that lives behind us except a whole bunch of evergreen trees) 

I'm very bored. Can you tell because in all honesty I have nothing to say, and suddenly I have a craving for pancakes from I hop. I blame the commercial and now my tummy is growling. Yep, see nothing exciting at all to write about.

I think I am off to make some pancakes for breakfast. 

Sorry to be a bore, and a chicken.

Sleepless in Seattle, or should I say sleepless west of Seattle

I cant sleep. I have been up since 5AM (on a Sunday!!!) and I just cant seem to fall back asleep. So from about 5AM to now I have been reading Jenny the military spouse comics (they are so cute and so many I find myself saying "that's how I feel" especially the ones in the beginning when she started to publish them in 2005, there is one where they have the packers come and pack everything up super fast before you even realize they have done a room. I learned fast you make sure anything you do not want packed is out of the house. They once packed up my purse. A purse I needed and I had no idea which box it was in. I had a friend who said they packed up a bowl of Onions and another who said they packed up her kids diaper bag that had two filled bottles in them. They are fast, and its best to stay out of the way. When we moved from GA to here we sat outside on lawn chairs and waited, it did not take them long at all either and we have allot of stuff. I remember when I moved from MN to GA no one told me that they pack for you if you are having professional movers take your things so I spent days packing only to sit and watch them unpack and repack my stuff.  

My other favorite one of hers is one in the Feb. 2006 archives that's titled "Lets move in" I have only done this twice. The first time was when I arrived in Kingsland with no idea of what to expect and Chris had to work leaving me to man the checking of the lists and watching over Jordan who at the time was 3. The second was when we moved here, and again I was in charge of the movers and checking off the boxes. It is crazy because you have many movers carrying things in and all are yelling off numbers and you have sheets of paper you have to flip threw to find those numbers and mark them off. Next time I think I might actually need a better strategy planned out to save my sanity, but hey both times I did manage it. 

Sorry about the flash backs of my memories.

Anyway, besides reading the comics at her site and listening to music on my Ipod I have nothing else to do. There is nothing good on TV, and I could get up and start the day but yesterday was similar to today where I got up way to early for a weekend and have been very sleep deprived for sometime now making my body feel like it wants to sleep, sadly my brain just wont have it. 

So what better way to pass the time then blog? Even if it is a blog from a very sleep deprived me. I really have no point to this blog either except to pass the time. I have realized though that I tend to hold back what I really want to say, not just on here but when I interact with other people as well. I think its my complex of trying to hard to make people like me and partly because I am shy. I also hate letting my guard down and to really let go and discuss on here things I want to discuss I feel like I am risking myself to be wounded, if that makes any sense. Maybe one day I will explain in more detail on how I got this way, but for now I will keep my lips sealed, and even though New Years Eve has been over for sometime now I decided that will be my Resolution, to not hold back so much for fear of hurting others, not that I intend to be a bitch, but I am way to overly cautious and think I might benefit more from this blog and if I say how I really feel about things.

Anyway back to reading my comics.

There is never enough time, or money

What do you do when you have to choose between seeing family who you hardly ever see but once or twice a year or choosing doing something for yourself?

Let me explain.

Its rare that all of us. Chris, I and the kids go home to MN together. I go home more during deployments to visit. However there is a good chance that neither Chris nor I will get back to MN for over a year from the last time we came in the summer of 2008. Obviously when Chris is gone he cant go and I don't know if we will make it home this summer without him because its allot of work with the kids and the dog for such a short time, not to mention the money aspect of it. So more then likely it wont happen. However Chris gets 30 days of stand down in which he can take leave when they return from mission where we could come home for two weeks. Now as much as we love seeing everyone and it will have been so long since that has happened I also look at this as an opportunity to book a vacation for us, and by us I mean just Chris and I. I have had offers of people willing to come and watch the kids for us, and its something we have never really done. We both want to go to Vegas and for the price of airfare and hotel for 4 days its around 800 dollars. Now granted when you add in gambling money, food and show tickets costs it will be a bit more then that but the point is we have the chance for a vacation. We always take our money and go home when he gets times off, and after at 7 years of marriage and no vacations and lots of time apart we want and need this trip. But with the trip means no going home to MN and no seeing family. The only option is to drive to MN, see family, fly to Vegas, have our vacation, fly back and then drive back to MN. However this adds a huge amount of money to the price tag of the trip because it costs us between around 1500 depending on gas prices to make the trip to and from MN with hotel costs, food and gas. We could do it, but again that's money that we really don't have.

I'm so confused.

There is some silver lining to this situation. When we move in the beginning of 2011 we will be able to stop and visit family, but before that point I'm not sure when we will get there if we take this vacation. We are not rolling in the money and between the Vegas trip and our Disney trip in 2011 we are planning to take in December on the Land and Sea cruise we will have spent a good chunk of money, so trying to squeeze in very limited time off and the cost is hard for us, but like I said we always go home and for this is a chance for us to have for us. I mean we never took a real honeymoon unlike Chris's sister(s) because his parents paid for the whole entire wedding they had the money they did not have to pay for that and put towards a honeymoon where as we did have to pay for a portion of our wedding plus travel from GA where by the time it came to the honeymoon we had nothing left. Same goes for the other sister who had her debt paid off, is having her wedding paid for by them too and will probably be able to also afford a honeymoon as I have already heard them discussing where to go(Guess that's what we get for his parents not liking me and seeming to not want us to get married)

So as I said we deserve this, we need this. So why can I not just feel OK with the decision? Why do I feel bad we are missing the opportunity to see our family and friends? I mean the kids are growing up so fast and they change so much that I don't want to take their chances to see family and our family's chances to see them.

This is the sucky part of being a military family, decisions like these.

Sorry to bother you with my ramblings and bitching, its hard when your sounding board is out to sea.

Another reason we need a vacation minus the kids, their constant fighting, I'm off to break up yet another shouting match.

Hear me bitch (again)

I am so hungry. I have mentioned now several times that I am sick of eating foods that are easier for my poor little mouth which is now missing two teeth. Foods like applesauce and shakes and mashed potato's and eggs. I'm sick of drinking things that taste funny. I want my taste back and I want to be able to open my mouth wide enough to eat a sandwich, or a burger. I want it to not hurt when I chew. I am so damn hungry!!!

Things I am craving. Chinese food. We were supposed to ring in the New Years with a Chinese food feast which did not happen because of the rice, and my lack of chewing. I love rice, which is a big no no when your wisdom teeth come out. So now I am craving all things Chinese and cant have it. Other things I am craving. A good salad. Like a chicken Cesar salad. Nummy. Steak. Which is odd because I am not the biggest steak person out there. Maybe its the lack of protein in my diet, but it sounds good. Lets not forget the burger. I want a big, juicy burger with cheese and mayo and BBQ sauce. I also want peppers with dip, and strawberry's and a supreme pizza. Yeah, mostly I am craving junk food. I guess because my body is just craving anything nummy.

Sorry to sound repetitive and whinny but I am so damn hungry!!!! And lets not forget lonely too. What a sucky, sucky day.

By the way why cant anything I want to see be on pay per pre view because there is nothing good on tv tonight.

A very sucky day

So today was a very sucky day. My husband left for sea, again. This will be a very long year as he wont be back for a very, very, very long time. See what I mean by sucky huh? I guess it would not be so bad but between Christmas and his family visiting (they left today as well) we did not get the time together I wish we could have. You know those moments to just sit and relax and talk. To cuddle up and watch a movie. Instead we have spent most of December doing many other things where we didn't have the time to really just stop and breath. I really miss him. Of course needing my wisdom teeth out did not help either with getting more time together, instead I have been not the most happy go lucky person in pain.

So yeah today sucks, tomorrow will suck and pretty much the next week will suck until I get into the routine of him being gone, and once my mouth/jaw feels better too.