Yep, its official, I am the worse mom ever.

I am a bad mommy. Well that's what Ive heard all week and weekend. It started with Jordan having two friends sleep over. This by the way should be simple seeing as they are all 9 and I thought nothing of it because Jordan has had friends sleep over before and there has been no problems. Yeah, well having two kids verses three does make a difference especially when you are the only parent there. I tried to be the cool mom with the video games and pizza and soda for dinner. Movies and toys and letting them stay up late, though I guess my definition of late and theirs was very different. After hours of Jordan and his friends running around the house screaming, not listening to me when I say "please keep your voices down because Hannah is trying to sleep" and jumping up and down and throwing Jordan's toys around so I thought the whole upstairs would come crashing down I decided that at 2am it was bedtime. Yeah, Jordan was so angry. I was informed I was embarrassing him in front of his friends and that when he sleeps over at their houses they can stay up all night long. I told him that his friends didn't have a younger sister trying to sleep, and that mommy herself would like to go too bed. So this is where I was told "Your so uncool mom, I'm so mad at you" and went to inform his friends who groaned that they had to pick up and get ready for bed. Remind me that more then one child sleeping over should require two parents to supervise because little Hannah does not make it easier.

Then comes Hannah. Who at one point loved baths, took them daily with all her mermaid barbie dolls and play dolphins and sea animals. However less then a week ago she informed me that she wont take a bath anymore. Well a week went by and I had to force her into the bath kicking and screaming where she sobbed like it was the end of the world and called me a "bad mommy" I told her she needed a bath to get germs off and to smell pretty and soon after I had plunked her in and filled the tub with toys she was happy but I still got the look that said "how dare you mommy"

Today was no other exception of the bad mommy routine. Besides making my kids pick up their rooms (how dare I right?) I informed Hannah that her movie (Tinkerbell) which she has been waiting for forever and ever and ever was in the mailbox according to the USPS tracking thing. So she was so excited. Well the horrible mommy I am lost the keys to the mail box, and seriously can not find them anywhere. Ive torn the house up side down so it now looks like the house threw up and yet Ive come up empty handed. Without the key which by the way is on the house and van key chain meaning I cant go anywhere, I cant get the mail and this did not sit well with Hannah at all. The only thing I can do besides keep looking which trust me I have done, I had Chris mail his keys too a neighbor so In a few days I can drive, and get into my house if its locked and get the mail. So now we just have to wait, which again is not sitting well with Hannah.

I am officially I bad mom. I wonder if bribing her with a early Christmas present would help cheer her up? I also think I need one of those things that helps you find your keys because this really sucks.

Wow, this sucks.

The idea of having and keeping a budget. Great Idea, but to bad I cant stick to the damn thing. Last paycheck somehow little things keep popping up, and this paycheck is no different. Here I though with Chris being gone there was no way Id go over budget, but I was wrong. I hate when that happens.



It started with toys r us having there buy 2 get the 3 free on all video games, which I couldn't pass up. I mean with Christmas right around the corner and 2 boys that love their video games. That was wrong turn number one. Then Chris's boat pulled into San Diego and my husband with his dire need for an Internet connection decided to get a hotel room. Wrong turn number two, though I don't blame him for wanting a bed not the size of a cot with people sleeping over and under him in bunks, the coldness of the boat and the crappy shower system. So after these wrong turns I re-did the budget and set off to the store with the mindset that there was no way Id waiver again. How wrong was I.



It started at the Navy exchange. I picked up pj's for Hannah which were not on the list but they were fleece nightgowns and so soft and cute that I couldn't resist. She is a growing girl after all. Then off to the shoes where the lady had no idea what she was doing telling me my daughter wore a size 7. Hm, that's why she just outgrew a 9 huh? I never knew feet got smaller instead of bigger. Then the lady took off not to reappear for assistance (they keep the shoes in back so its not like I could do much) So I browsed the clearance rack and found a decently cute pair of sketchers shoes that would work. After grabbing a baby shower card and a few cards for Chris's patrol box I was on my way out the door happy I was doing so good, but that's when I saw the cutest hello kitty doll that would be perfect for Hannah's stocking, so I grabbed that up. Then as I was walking to the register for the second time I saw they had Columbia jackets and Jordan was in dire need of a new winter jacket and it was almost 50 dollars off so I had to get that as well, I mean breaking the budget is OK when what you are buying is a necessity right? After that I knew I had to stop and dragged my heels past the oh so wonderful display of Christmas decorations by Jim Shore who I love and paid where I ended up being 70 dollars over budget.



Then it was off to Costco, where might I add I made my budget higher then normal because I knew I never met my budget there. Guess I should of set it higher. They had rows of Christmas presents and the cutest girl dresses and books and DVDs. So yeah, my $70 dollar Costco budget turned into a $130 dollar trip. Guess that means my pampered chef stuff will have to wait, but now I'm done, no really, I am. No more unnecessary stuff this pay period. Maybe if I just lock myself into my house and don't go out all will be okay and I can salvage what is left of my budget.

I know that people don't care about how I spend my money, but I do. With Christmas coming and Birthdays soon after that I would like to keep a firm hand on staying in budget. Luckily the kids are almost done with the exception of a video game that's not out yet and stocking stuffers. Though I have noticed I keep picking up extra gifts that I see which I don't think is helping my budget either. The kids don't need that many gifts, plus are small house cant hold what we already have much less a bunch more new toys.

So I am going back to the drawing board and re-doing my budget, one last time and this time I will stick to it, that's a promise. Now all I have to do is stay out of Costco till I need things there and I should be OK.

Look a zombie! No wait, thats me.

I cant sleep. Not much of a surprise since this is usual when Chris isn't here. Its not that I'm scared, but it just feels weird not having him here. I miss him like crazy and hope more then anything these next several weeks hurry up and pass by so it doesn't seem so long. I hate the idea he wont be here for trick or treating with the kids. He usually misses Halloween and though I'm thankful he has only missed one Christmas because that's a big holiday for us I wish he could be here for all holidays and other important events. It sucks really. Though this weekend wasn't so bad seeing as they made a port call to San Diego. Not sure why they had a port call shortly after they left here, I suppose for the single sailors who want to get our and have fun, but speaking from a wife's point of view I would have rather had my husband here for that time and them left a little later. I get that they want to keep the moral up of the crew but I want my husband, and yes I know that is selfish. This would only be Chris's second port call in the 7 plus years he has been in. The first one was to Cocoa Beach, FL and we lived 3 hours away so I was able to visit him there and it was a blast. I just wish we could have visited him in San Diego, but we really don't have the money or the time off to take a trip down there, but I was happy to settle with web cam and phone calls for a few days. The funny thing is it makes it harder when he leaves again. You go from saying goodbye in person when he leaves us to getting excited that suddenly after not being able to talk at all for awhile to getting that change to having to say goodbye via the phone and going several more weeks without communication except for maybe an email here and there if it gets transmitted. It makes it hard again after you start getting used to them not being here. My what a depressing blog this is turning out to be.

Hannah has taken to telling knock knock jokes. There not very good or make much sense but she loves telling them. She also has a new imaginary friend that is a spider. She hates bugs but loves her little non-existent spider friend. She is blossoming each day, more so then ever before. She is like a sponge and sucks up knowledge every chance she can. Its cute to have her tell me about things she has learned. I kick myself because I keep meaning to pull out the video camera and always forget (reminder to self to leave it downstairs so its handy) like yesterday she gathered as many hard covered books as she could, made tents out of them and put her stuffed animals in them. When I asked her what she was doing she informed me that she was protecting them from the monster. Going into great detail about the monster and how scared they were and how she was the only one that could protect them. She then informed me I had to be very quiet so the monster wouldn't hear us and then went to hide in the fort she made for herself out of my living room couch pillows and the coffee table. She is so ready for school.

Jordan still is pretty much the same. He is still a hardcore boy. He gets dirty, he loves to run and play outside. He rides his bike though he favors he scooter because he loves trying to do tricks on the thing. We have woods over by the park and him and his friends spend hours playing in them. He loves his video games and is not thrilled that I have taken away game privilege's till the weekend. So yeah, nothing new with him. He is growing, needs new jeans (both of my kids are growing actually) He suddenly is in love with hooded sweatshirts. He used to hate them because he said they were uncomfortable but now its all he wants to wear. Good thing he has several but I'm thinking of buying a few more because its cold here now and he really, really likes them. He must take after me in the whole hoodie thing since its what I love to wear too in the fall/winter. I must have like 30 hooded sweatshirts in my closest.

Chris always kids with me that the kids look like him but are mostly like me, which isn't always a good thing. I'm very stubborn at times and I really don't want them to be that stubborn too.

The joys of motherhood. I could never imagine life without them, even when things get hectic or they are acting up I love being a mom.

I really should force myself to bed, though I know I will toss and turn and lay there awake till 3 or 4 am only to feel like a zombie tomorrow, which isn't fun since I have a ton of things I have to do tomorrow, so being in a zombie like state just wouldn't work.

My day

So my husband is gone. He left this morning. Let me rephrase that since I am making it sound like he left me like for good, which he did not. He went on deployment. So with that being said I can now explain why I was having such a pissy week awhile ago.

See Chris wasn't supposed to go out to sea for some time, but he came home and said "I have bad news" which involved them moving up the date of deployment and giving us no time to prepare or even really react. On top of that, our pay is still screwed up and I fear while he is gone it wont get fixed and he worked lots of hours. This on top of everything else small going on and it made for our crappy week.

I'm over the crappy week and walking around thinking Chris will still come home for dinner tonight, which he wont. This lasts a few days, sometimes a week before it really sets in that he is gone. So here are the days I become like a single mom, being the mommy and the daddy all in one. Trying to capture lots of pictures and video so when Chris comes home he gets a glimpse of life while he was gone.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that we were going to go to the Navy ball next weekend. I had the dress and everything, his dress blues were ready to go and I was so excited. We had a babysitter and everything. See Ive never been to a Submarine or Navy ball because he has always been deployed or had duty, and this time I guess is no exception. So yeah that didn't make things much better with the news, but I said I was done with my crappy week discussion and this time I promise I am.

The weather here sucks, its cold and rainy and windy and calls for that extra blanket on the bed. It seems to be reflecting my current mood with Chris leaving. Usually I love fall, the leaves falling, especially around here its beautiful, but the wind and the rain make it kind of enjoyable.

I'm jumping around allot, I know...but I don't care, not really anyways.

As I am typing this there is a workmen painting my exterior door, which is the main door in and out of the house. Why are they painting my White door that isn't meant to be painted, its that aluminum material and it looked fine before. Oh, and they are painting it Green. So I have an Orange house (well it could be called a brown I guess) with yellow trim and a green door. Lovely. And where is my notice? shouldn't I get a notice when they will be painting? Now I have to watch for Jordan and tell him not to touch the wet green door when he gets home from school. Yes, I love living in housing, itself alone could produce many stories. And did I mention they are very loud when they are painting? I think its time to turn up the music and tune them out.

So my mom is convinced Hannah has something other then short Anagen syndrome. She thinks its a vitamin deficiency. Which I must admit it could be and we have her on vitamins to help if that is the case, and trust me I would love to believe that in every way. I would love to believe her hair is growing at a slower rate, and it will come in suddenly very soon, but Ive been believing that for many years now (well since she was born) and so far nothing has happened. Though I am not sitting down and giving up, I have spent much money on shampoos and conditioners that are supposed to help the hair shaft, I have bought vitamins with Iron and much more with the small hope it will work. You have no idea how sick I am of people calling her a boy when she is in pink or wearing a dress. People who think she has cancer or others who think she is 2 when she really is almost 4 1/2. Its heart breaking for me. Every time I see a little girl around Hannah's age with a head full of hair I start to cry, I don't in public, I hold it back and tell myself how lucky I am that she is healthy and happy and that is all that matters, but I still want her to have hair. I talked to a girl who has loose anagen syndrome and she was telling me in High school she was teased horribly, and I really don't want Hannah to go threw that. High school is hard enough without giving people a reason to tease. Even if she had a wig I worry someone might know and pull it off for laughs. I know, I need to stop worrying. The thing about Hannah's syndrome is really the dermatologist didn't know much about it because its a newer thing, which means in all reality she could outgrow it in time. So I need to take this one day at a time, but when your a stresser like me who worries about everything, that's kind of hard, but I'm going to try it at least.

What a bunch of fun Ive been in this post, sorry I'm such a downer today, but I'm not going to be upbeat and perky when I don't feel it.

Finally an answer

Today was a hard day, and maybe I'm selfish for being upset, but as a mother when your told something is wrong with your kids, you have the right to be upset, even when its nothing major.

For those of you who don't know Hannah is 4, and has very fine, thin, blond hair that isn't growing like it should. At first I thought nothing of it, it took Jordan until he was 4 to get thicker hair that needed to be cut, but Hannah's has no change, not really at least. It looks the same as when she was 2. It isn't getting thicker, or longer. So obviously I started to get concerned, especially as I got the question "whats wrong with her?" "where is her hair?" "does she have cancer?" or her being called a boy even when she is in a dress. Today we had our appointment with the specialist and found out what is wrong with her, and though its nothing serious it still was hard for me to hear. She is healthy in every other way so for that much I am grateful for but she does have a disorder that causes her hair not to grow, and in fact probably wont ever grow much longer or thicker then it is now.

She has what is called Short Anagen Syndrome. Its not very well known, the doctor told me what he could but I haven't been able to find much online. I do know that its a condition where the hair follicle does not grow like it should. That its most common in blond haired girls, and that in most cases their hair wont grow past the nape of the neck. We have been told some kids seem to outgrow it, usually if this is going to happen between the ages of 5-10, sometimes not till puberty though, but some people don't. There is no cure or treatment for it as of right now and because of the bald look locks of love will give Hannah and kids with this condition (which is grouped together with loose Anagen syndrome) a wig. I guess around the age of 6 they will mold her head and make her a wig if she or we would like her to have one) but we will hope and pray and wait and see if her hair comes in more where we hopefully wont have to do that.

So yeah, its been one of those days. I feel guilty for being upset, I'm glad we know what is wrong with her, I'm glad its nothing serious, but I still feel upset that she wont have hair like all the other girls do. That she will get teased at school for having no hair. It could be worse, I know. I also know that there are many people out there with worse problems, that's why I feel guilty for being so upset over something so small.

Wishing I could scream

Last week was a very bad week, and this week isn't looking awhole hell of allot better. Its that domino affect, where you feel that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. I know everyone has those days, weeks and even months, its apart of life, but what about when you just want to throw up your hands and scream "just give me a break already?" if only it were that simple. The worst part is I want to vent, I need to vent and yet I cant vent, not yet anyway..soon though I will vent and you will be poured upon with my emotions.

There are things I can tell you though, but I'm not sure if I'm in the mood, today was yet again one of those days where I wanted to throw my hands up and scream. I was reminded for the tenth million time how lonely being a military wife can be. Its odd but hes not deployed and yet I rarely see him. I get the long hours, I get the never seeing each other, but it never makes it easier to feel like sometimes you are a single mom. Like today, when Chris kissed me goodbye while I was asleep. I went threw the normal routines of the day, and then 6pm came and went, then 7 and then 8pm when my kids were telling me they were starved and I made dinner and we ate, then I saved the leftovers for Chris when he gets home and put the kids to bed. By the time 10pm rolled around I knew my husband probably wouldn't be coming home at sure enough at 11 I got the call saying work was busy and he had to stay the night. Its hard because even phone calls don't come often between them trying to get stuff done. Usually the rule is if he isn't home by 7pm we eat without him, but tonight I couldn't help but hope he would come home. I obviously don't blame him, its his job and I support him and his job, but it never means its easy.

Its only going to get worse before it gets better, I know this one for sure. I look at what it was like when he was on a trident and how he had a set schedule. When he had weekends off at least half the year, was home every night half the year, was home at decent hours half the year. On a trident there are two crews, so when the other crew is gone it means a normal life for the crew that stays behind. Currently Chris is on a fast attack and there is only one crew. So once every so many nights he stays on board, even if its a holiday or a birthday he is at work. The long hours year round and never a set schedule, things change at the drop of a hat and its not uncommon for Chris to come home and say "sweet were leaving soon" without warning of this upcoming deployment. You cant plan anything and its hard. It does show me how amazing my husband is. The hard, long hours he puts it, the crap he deals with, the missing time with us and yet when he is here even when he is exhausted he tries his hardest to be there for us. Did I say how proud I was off him?

But anyway I'm done talking about work stuff, well my husbands work stuff. Lets hope for a few good days shall we? Though I can tell you they will be very busy days even if they are good. Between doctor appointments, meeting with teachers, getting new tires on the van, running many errands and making lots of phone calls this week will fly on by with a very tired me by days end. I am so used to being busy that at moments like this, when I stop and sit I am fidgeting and moving around in my seat. Chris comments that even when I'm talking on the phone I don't sit still but rather pace back and forth.

On a bright note, well for me at least, soon I will be able to write from my bed, or anywhere I want on my very own laptop. Yes, we have laptops. Two in fact, though one needs a new battery cord because a certain dog of ours decided it would be a good idea to chew threw it. The other laptop is Chris's and though I can borrow it, I don't. So I'm excited!!! Ive wanted my own laptop, one I picked out by myself that is strictly for me. Now I'm just waiting for it to be delivered because Apple offered a military discount online and it was cheaper to buy it there then at best buy (the closest retailer to sell them) Though I now have buyers remorse for spending that much money. Hell, for that much money Chris and I could have went to Vegas, or I could have put it towards a vehicle, but as I said Ive wanted this forever and each and every time we have the money I spend it on the kids, or Chris. So Ill have to get over my buyers remorse and enjoy my new little toy.

Sorry, had to add the bright information of news to offset all the bad news going on around me, and no, I still wont tell you what that is. You will just have to wait and see.