April has come at last

Its April, which is one of my favorite months. The reasons why, well it usually starts to get nicer out. This will only be my second April here in Washington but it seems the weather gets warmer and it does not rain as much which is always a nice rain from what has been a near constant drizzle. Its also the month that holds my birthday which means I get another year older, though I can sadly say I am not dreading birthdays and aging instead of looking forward to them. 

For this month we have spring break for the kids where I try to keep them entertained. Trips to the zoo maybe, the movies, swimming, walks, the park. Its also the month of the Submarine Birthday Ball and this will be the first year I will be going. Easter also falls this year in April. I love Easter because I like dying the eggs and hiding Easter eggs for the kids to find and creating baskets and dressing up in spring outfits. It will be different this year not having daddy around for the kids, this is the one holiday I don't think he has missed and if he has its only been once or twice. 

April is just a great month. I can start finding pretty flowers at the grocery store to fill my kitchen with and we don't feel so trapped in the house and are able to go outside more and open the windows when they days are nice. I love having the windows open. 

So Happy April Everyone!

A risk I am willing to take

OK, so if I tell you something you have to promise to not laugh at me, or make fun of me or go crazy on yelling at me for what you might consider stupid.

I have thought about this for awhile, years in fact. My husband is against it, though I am not sure why since I think most men would not mind. See I want to get a boob job. I hate being small and tops not fitting like they should because I have nothing to fill them out. Its depressing and I have had lots of friends who now have had it done and what can I say I am jealous but no that is not the reason I want to get them done, I want to do it for me. I want to look in the mirror and feel better about myself and the way I look. I know that may sound shallow and such but its what I want.

As I said my husband is against it. I always tease that when he is out to sea I will just go and have it done, I wouldn't however go threw with it because I want his there if I do. See I have this problem with bleeding, I tend to bleed allot in surgery or when I have babies and this can be a problem and my husbands fear is there will be a complication and either I will bleed to death or my body will reject the foreign objects that now make up my boobs basically.

I will give you an example of how badly I want this done. I hate having surgery, I hate being put under. It gives me huge anxiety and I always fear I wont wake up, and yet I am willing to go through all this and the pain and recovery that comes with the operation. 

I know the risks, I do. Like I said its something I have been wanting and debating and researching for some time, now however I am ready to take it to the next step and actually (maybe) consult someone or a few someones. I need to look up good surgeons in the area and talk to them about my concerns, get price quotes and so on so I am better prepared. I also need to see about what insurance covers. I know that the surgery itself is on me, but I'm talking about if there are complications. If I start to bleed and need to be hospitalized or my body rejects them later on will my insurance cover breast implant related problems. I know some insurances do and others don't. 

I think once I take the next step I might be better prepared to make a decision about what I want to do and then I can either start to save money or disregard the idea all together, and of course there is the obstacle of my husband. If he is highly against this I wont do it, but I would like him if I do decide to do this to get on board with me and be supportive as I know he will be a key player in my recovery time. 

As I said you can think I am shallow or dumb, but its what I want and I had to get my feelings out there because sometimes it just helps to write things down, and no, I wont be going really big just more natural looking and normal because right now anything above an A cup would be great.

Cinderella

Ha. After much looking on the web for the dress I purchased for the sub ball I finally found it, granted its not in this color but a really pretty Sage color but other than that this is my dress. Pretty huh? Now lets hope the seamstress who is on vacation can get it done in time. She has a week from after she gets back to get it ready and if its not ready I am screwed.

I have a light gold bag and heels that match and pearl earring and I think I might buy the matching necklace and I do have a sparkly pearl headband that I may or may not wear after a friend told me I look like a child wearing it, and I already look young as it is.

Can you tell I am excited? I feel like Cinderella in this dress. The only thing that will be missing that night is my prince.

Things I should be doing

I have been meaning to sit down for some time now and monkey with my blog. Make it pretty and nice and all that, but sadly I never get to it. Its just like how I keep meaning to organize my make up drawers or finish the photo book online that was supposed to be for my husbands last patrol. These things just are there waiting to be given some time and yet I don't get around to it. I blame the fact I have no attention span lately, maybe I never had one but the point is I get fidgety or something comes up. One day though I will do it, today however is not that day.

I watched Australia tonight and bawled like a baby. My Daughter noticed and asked me "mommy what's wrong" I informed her mommy was sad but OK and she gave me a hug and a big smile and said "don't be sad mommy, I love you" I gave her a smile and thanked her. When my husband is gone and I watch a movie that has any type of romance in it that is not a romantic comedy (and sometimes even when it is) I cry. 

My weekend is slow. I was hoping it be more eventful but really its been lazy. Did I mention we and a friend and her kids went to the movies last night? yeah, well we did and now I remember why I don't go to movies unless I am paying $3 or less at the base theater because just for the kids and me with food and tickets it was $40. That's the price of buying a movie at the store and ordering a Costco pizza. I wish I could say my weekend would get more exciting but I highly doubt that. More cleaning and laundry and hanging with the kids. Spring break is upon us, 5 days of both kids being home when I am used to one, which can I say is kind of scary since my kids love to annoy the other and with one being out of school I can say that their annoying one another will eventually annoy me. Sadly I know their love of bugging each other will only grow and get worse as they get older. Isn't that part of sibling love?

I am off to finish my book and try to not be so damn bored though what I really should do is get some sleep since it is 1 in the morning.

How to simulate being a sailor

HOW TO SIMULATE BEING A SAILOR:

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for
six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub
and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure
you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind
carries the soot onto your neighbor's house.
Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors,
so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature
up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.
On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during the
week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn
over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go
to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house:
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud
Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave
out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 am while
she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
leave your house before 3 PM.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three
times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers, sweepers, man your
brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all trashcans
over the fantail.)

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone
shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle
stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your
battle stations.)

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When
they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they
can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and
just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top
shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard
and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man
overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them
in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the
stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready."
After an hour or so, speak into the cup again 'Stove secured." Roll up the
headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when
the weather is worst. January is a good time.

29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair,
sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and
run it all day long.

31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per
pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

34. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink
beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

35. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World
for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney
World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection,
and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

So true

A friend of mine sent these two things to me about military life/ being a submariners wife and I wanted to post them here and add my 2 cents worth to them. 

You know your a Navy wife when...

1) You can unpack a house and have everything in place 48 hours after your belongings are delivered. ( It usually takes me a bit longer than 48 hours because of the kids, but its pretty damn close)

2) Your husband's work and dress clothes cost more than yours do. (yeah, they do. Once you add in the cost of patches and medals and ribbons and all that great stuff)

3) You've changed more oil and mowed more lawns than your husband because he's never there to do it himself. (Actually I bring the vehicles in to have the oil changed, but I do the lawn work more than he ever has)

4) You only write in pencil because EVERYTHING is subject to change (Yeah, like the time we bought a house in Georgia because we were supposed to be there for another 4 years and year  later were moving across country)

5) You have a larger selection of curtains than Wal-Mart does (Yep, I do. Every housing unit we have lived in has different sized windows or more/less windows, because of that your curtain collection grows)

6) You can remember where you kept the Scotch tape in your last house, but unfortunately, not in this one.....you mark time in duty stations, not years.... (I still get in the car and try to drive a route I drove in Georgia, which as you could have guessed does not work out so well when you are across country or will suggest us go grab something to eat at a restaurant they don't have here in WA but we ate at all the time in GA)

7) You know that "back home" doesn't mean at the house you live in now..... (When I say back home I mean Minnesota)

8) You ALWAYS know when payday is and get ticked off if there are more than 2 weekends during that pay period (We get paid on the 1st and 15Th of every month)

9) You know better than to go to the NEX or commissary on payday unless its a life or death situation (I go to a grocery store out in town because on payday those two places (and Costco even though that's off base) are zoos. 

10) You know to respect his detailer... no matter how much you secretly hate him (Yeah, because this is the person who decides where you will end up living/moving too)

11) You can't remember the last time you saw a doctor who wasn't wearing khaki. (In Georgia we had a choice, here we don't)

12) It only cost you $25 to have a child. ( I don't remember it even costing me that, but who knows, I was a new mom and already had crazy hectic stress going on)

13) You pick apart uniforms on TV and in the movies, even though you used to yell at your husband for doing the same thing. (Oh how true this is)

14) You've learned to sleep through the sounds of planes, helicopters, foghorns and jets..... (lets not forget the morning PT when you can hear them singing while they run threw housing, I actually like waking up to that one)

15) You can hate military life but be terrified to leave it all in the same breath! (I'm already freaking out and we still have 12 years before Chris retires)

You know you're a submariner's wife if....

1. You use the words poopie suit, duty, head, and cover in a non perverse way on a daily basis (Even my kids know what these words mean, and Hannah is only 4)

2. You lost count of the number of times you've been on board "The world's most powerful warship" (I remember the first time I went into a submarine. I was wearing a skirt and had to climb down (and then back up) a ladder. I remember Jordan's face of awe and eating diner on board which Jordan to this day can tell you what we had which was pizza and brownies) 

3. You know what time the mid watch is.

4. Youve stayed awake during the mid watch to talk to your husband on the phone. (I will wake up at any hour to talk to my husband regardless of how tired I am)

5. You've eaten on the mess deck and wonder how they can screw up a salad. (Chris has told me horror stories of the things they have screwed up and its so very sad)

6. You've super glued, ironed on, or velcroed a patch onto a uniform. (or conned the local seamstress to get it right by tomorrow and she gets double the price) (I am all about the second option or be the mean wife and make my husband do it because I am afraid of screwing it up)

7. You've lived in any or all of the following cities; Kingsland, GA, Groton, CT, Bangor, WA, San Diego, CA, Norfolk, VA, Pearl Harbor, HI. (We lived in Kingsland, GA for 5 years and are in Bangor, WA currently with a stop over in Groton, CT between the way)

8. You think day after duty is a special holiday. (Duty is when they have to spend the night on board, usually the day after duty they come home after turn over in the morning or early afternoon, I've never been that lucky and see my husband generally around dinner time the next night)

9. You know the difference between a mini day, liberty after field day and fast cruise is.

10. You're husband has ever uttered the words "I'm not at liberty to say" (you have no idea how often I hear this)

11. You can pack a sea bag in under 10 minutes. (I can, but my husband can pack it much better...you would be amazed what you can fit into those things)

12. You know what a TLD, LES, and TVQ are, but you don't know what the letters stand for. (I can happily say I do know what the letters stand for)

13. You've stood on the beach despite snow, rain, or sand gnats to watch the boat pull in. (The second time I saw a boat pull in I was standing on the beach with friends to suddenly be drenched with a down pour of rain and fierce wind that blew sand at us and oh how it hurt. You could not see a hand reached out in front of you much less the river. I also stood in freezing rain 6 months pregnant on the pier and bitter cold weather that made you think you were going to freeze to death and yet I would brave any element for the thrill of seeing that boat pull in)

14. Anything less than 30 days doesn't really count as a patrol. (30 days Is a breeze)

15. The other crew always get the better deal. (Chris is on a one boat crew, so sadly there is no second crew which trust me is nice to have because it means there is a time your husband is not responsible for the boat because the other crew is and you can spend weekends with him and every weeknight when the other crew is in charge of the boat)

16. You know at least 10 guys you would consider friends of the family and yet you still don't know their first name. (I even call my friends husbands by their last names even though I know their first names)

17. You send emails religiously to a system you know is broken. (I so do this)

18. You expect an email everyday from a system you know is broken. (You learn to deal with disappointment fast in this lifestyle, though I now know to not expect an email so if I do get one its a surprise and if I don't its not that big of a deal)

19. You've spent more months of your marriage apart than you have together. (I actually sat down and figured this out, and we have indeed spent more time apart than together)

20. You've actually grown to like sleeping alone. (I hate it when he is gone and would rather him be in my bed but those first few days he is back I cant sleep because he tosses and turns and it takes time getting used to having him there)

21. You use a phone tree. (oh how I love the words "you have a phone tree message"

22. You have your ombudsman's number programed into your phone because something might happen and she is your only contact that can successfully reach the captain. (I learned the hard way when I needed to get ahold of her and did not have her number on hand, now its in my cell phone)

23. You know what "boat smell" is. (I hate the smell before he leaves but love it when he gets back)

24. You know what month it changes from dress whites to dress blues and back again. (I love him in his dress blues)

25. You give him a kiss and a smile when you drop him off at the turn styles and then cry the rest of the way home. (I save the crying till the kids are in bed because you have to be strong for them)

26. You know what it means when your child says “daddy has duty ..again?? and proceed to take all their frustrations out on you” 

27.You know the difference between 3 section and 4 section duty. (oh and how this simple thing seems to make such a difference)

28. You’re strong enough to say ‘No honey, go out in port , enjoy yourself, you deserve it" and patiently wait thru the 20 hour difference in time zones to tell him your child puked all over you during the 10 hr wait in the naval hospital emergency room. (my kids always get sick when he is standing duty or out to sea or on travel)

29. You can honestly accept phone calls, snail mail and web-cams are purely a surface fleet luxury.

30. You have told a creditor “No really, I don’t have power of attorney because he had to work every day until O dark 30 for 6 weeks prior to this deployment but if you want your money you better tell me what the problem is “ (I am so far lucky to not have had to deal with situation, though I have seen many wives go through this.

31.You look at your cat or dog as a “Partner in life” (Gracie is my hugging post and movie night cuddler when my husband is gone)

32. You’ve listened to a surface fleet wife say “it’s been 2 days and I haven’t heard anything from him” and you wanted to punch her. (I have many friends who have surface fleet husbands and never have I wanted to punch them for a comment like this, though I do get annoyed sometimes)

33. You have asked the toilet “Why do you do this every time he leaves”and the air conditioner, the garage door opener, and the dryer......etc.  (Just yesterday I went to open the silverware drawer and the whole front panel came off. It never fails everything goes to crap when the husband is gone)

34. You’ve told your boss after the school calls “You just don’t get it….I’m a single parent regardless of the fact I am wearing a wedding band and the DNA tests proved it is his baby too”

35. You have told your child’s therapist “ You’re kidding, who would have thought ?“ after a diagnosis of separation anxiety and lack of communication. (Hannah has really bad separation anxiety when daddy leaves and it breaks my heart)

36. You check your email every 10 minutes by hitting the send and receive button convincing yourself it has to be the server. (I check my email almost every hour in hopes for that one email that will make my day/week/month. You get the point)

37.You continue to miss and love the absent best friend and husband you know that endures the bare minimum of life’s luxuries to keep his family and this country safe. (The hardest part about deployments is not how much I miss him its knowing that he comes back and the kids have grown and have changed and he missed all of that. He missed plays and choir concerts and dance recitals and birthday parties. He misses a lose tooth or a cute song or a new girlfriend. I cant even begin to imagine what it must be like for him and how hard it must be to miss all of that and feel like your kids are growing up without you really being there and missing it all and yet he does this job for us and I am ever so proud of him)

38. You have accepted the fact that no one will ever understand the loneliness, pain and suffering your heart endures no matter how much they say “ I can imagine what it must feel like”

39. Your husband keeps a watch that counts down his time until shore duty/EOS to the second.

(June 2011 cant come soon enough because that is when we go to shore duty)

40. You spend a majority of the time answering “ I don’t know” to the following questions “when will he be home” Will you make it for the wedding” Can we book the hotel rooms for you now? ”Will you be here for the family reunion” “Will you make it to see us this year”??

(This is very true when it comes to my husbands family)

41. You know the homecoming in a submariner’s life is the one thing that makes it justified. 

(The day you look forward to from the very beginning. The day that you spend hours primping and getting all dolled up and the kids all looking cute with butterflies in your stomach. To see your husband and the smiles that fill his face and the kids face. The running into each other's arms and the honeymoon feeling all over again)

42. You spend crazy money on first kiss tickets in hopes you might be the lucky winner and get your husband off the boat first. (I won once. It was when we also got to have a pier homecoming. Chris was the very first one off that sub and all eyes were on us and I got to run forward and hug and kiss my husband and than he got to leave right away (usually they have to finish up work first and its a few to several hours before they can go home) 

Look at me not spend money

So today was a day filled with restraint on my part, yay for me. Lets see how long this lasts.

See today was the day we went back to the very nice dress shop to get them fitted, there are not many places in Kitsap country where you can buy a nice ball gown for a good price and then be able to get your alterations for cheap as well but we found one, and even today as we browsed the dresses found several that we fell in love with (reminder for the Navy Birthday Ball to go there) So we tried our dresses on and got them pinned to fit us and tried on jewelery and even though I bought a tiara like headband I tried one on and oh how it looked so pretty and everyone was like "you have to buy it" yeah, but remember I already bought one and spending another $40 dollars seemed dumb, so I put back the very pretty tiara like head band and pouted till we left. Now its just waiting and praying my dress a) fits like it should after the alterations and b) is done on time. The alterations lady is gone on vacations for 2 weeks and the Submarine Birthday ball is the 18Th of April, so the lady better get some mad work done when she returns, or else I would hope we would get the heads up "hey, it wont be done on time" they seem nice as I said and I think they would, especially when we went in the first time to look (and later buy) our dresses they knew the date we needed them by. So here is hoping, and praying everything works out.

I know your so sick of my ball talk, but damn it I am excited. I love my dress, and I love dressing up like a princess and I cant wait to post pictures. I still have major guilt over the amount of money being put into this ball, but everyone keeps telling me to just have fun and stop freaking out about it since I hardly ever do stuff like this for myself.

Now I promise I will stop about the ball for now, enough with boring you (except to say "yay for me for not purchasing a second tiara I don't need and sticking with the original, even if its not as pretty and perfect as the one I wanted, I did not spend the money and for that I am proud)

On a different note I need to go grocery shopping and I want the rain to stop so I can go without being soaked loading grocery's. What a baby am I?

A sad realization

Today is one of those days where I am irritated and frustrated and kind of pissed off. It started last night and though I was hoping today it would disappear It had not, sadly I think its actually worse.

I could say why I feel this way, but the truth is I cant, for several reasons and because I feel this way for several reasons. Confused yet?

I can say this. Have you ever done favor after favor after favor for someone only to be treated like crap. What ever happened to the word "thank you" especially when you go out of your way to help someone? I am sick of being used, and walked all over and treated like crap, especially by those who call themselves your friends. I'm sick of people thinking my time does not matter especially when I have other things to do but their favors turn into me missing what I need to do, and when I finally have to put my foot down for an appointment I am the horrible person suddenly. 

I am realizing that I need to develop a back bone and stand up for myself even if it means pissing a so called friend off and that friendship being over, because obviously that friendship to begin with was not a true one. I don't mind helping people out, I do mind when they take advantage of my kindness.

So there is one of the many reasons I am in this lovely mood that I am in today. 

Bitter, yeah, just a bit.

Three things and then you can go

Three things

1) My mom left today. She came last Thursday and left today. I miss her already. I hate not being in MN to spend time with my family. To see them on birthdays and holidays and just because days. I hate not having people over to my house and cooking for them (unless they come visit me) But we had fun. It was nice to have a no guys time together. (well Jordan does not count) we could go shopping when we wanted to the stores we wanted, we could make and go out to eat to the places we wanted and we had girl bonding time. So now its just the kids and me again, and its lonely here and very quite, too quite. 

2) $300 dollars. That is what this Sub ball is costing me so far with tickets, dress, heels, bag, bra, make up. You get the point. That also includes the allotted amount for drinks and babysitter cost. This was supposed to be a cheap night out and now its not so cheap. How did I go from wearing a dress I wore to a ball in Georgia along with using the shoes, purse and so on to buying all new stuff? Oh that's right I was dumb and went looking for dresses with no intention of buying only to fall in love with a damn dress and bought the thing and with that I needed new shoes and bag and so on to match because I am anal and need my shoes to match my dress and my bag to match my shoes. There is one thing I am trying my hardest to be strong on and that is not paying the 60 dollars plus tip to have my hair done, though I suck at doing hair for special occasions, but hey I am bound and determined to stop the spending madness for this one night. 

3) I signed Hannah up for Kindergarten and almost cried. The thought of her getting up in the morning and eating breakfast with Jordan and me walking her to school every day and home every afternoon and her going from being at home 24/7 with me to full days of school with kids her age and teachers and following directions and a schedule has me seeing how I want her to stay a little girl longer. She just does not seem ready to go too school yet, or maybe I'm just not ready to let go yet. Whatever the reason I will be bawling like a baby on her first day, just like I did with Jordan. Now the dreaded part, school clothes shopping for 2 kids. I have learned my lesson though and will not be buying clothing from Gap for her first (and probably second) year of school. I did this for Jordan and he always got markers (and though they say washable I sure had a hard time getting them out) and paint and other things on his clothing from a day of fun and hard play. Now I worry about kids making comments on her hair. The other day I had a girl who we did not know, she was about 9 make fun of my little girl. Another child, she was younger came over and rubbed her head then asked me if she was a big baby or has cancer. At least she asked and did not assume. I'm still hoping for hair to start growing like crazy and this fear of teasing (at least over the hair aspect) will no longer be needed.

Bye Bye money...I really did try to be strong.

I am in the home stretch of cleaning and yet I have lost all energy to finish the last few things. Will my mom really mind if my floors are not mopped? probably not, me however will notice and so I will eventually do it but ugh! Its so hard to get back in the mood of cleaning after a long day of doing not much of anything, well and dress shopping, and dealing with a very cranky 4 year old (who thank heavens is going to school all day next year) It started off meeting my friends and piling us and 3 kids into the vehicle, driving to Little Norway (the actual town is Poulsbo) to this wonderful and nummy bakery called Sluy's and getting donuts. Evil I know (but oh so yummy) we resisted the temptation to browse the local cute shops and instead got back in the car for our destination of the dress shop. Now might I remind you my goal was to not buy a dress. Look yes, but strongly resist the urge to buy. However as we were walking up to the store on the display in the window was the most beautiful dress I have ever seen in the color I loved, yeah, right then I knew I was in trouble. We grab a ton of dresses and had a mini fashion show, and I put on the dress from the window display and it was perfect. You know how they say as you are looking for your wedding dress you will know it when its on that it is the one? Yeah, that is how it was for me, except I swear this dress is prettier than even my own wedding dress. Yep, at that moment as the dress fit me almost like a glove and made me look like a princess I knew I was screwed in the sense that there was no way I was leaving without the dress. And that people is how I spent $150 even with the best intentions not too. I did resist the urge to buy a very pretty headband that would look oh so cute with my dress, but only because I have no damn Idea what to do with my hair.

After our mini fashion shows and many melt downs from the kids we left the store (by the way the stores name is American Rose Bridal and they are super nice and helpful and have amazing dresses so if you need a dress and live in Washington check them out) and headed to the Mexican restaurant next door for some nummy, nummy food and unfortunately some very slow service.

Now I am back home trying my damn hardest to get things done, and oh how I just want to sit with a drink and veg on the couch. I did caulk the bathroom shower tile, though not well, but hey, I did it without a guys help, and really its not that bad.

On a totally different note I gave Jordan his very own house key. I am usually home when he gets home and if not he has a place to go, but there are times where I don't make it home in time and am a few minutes late and he is left outside or at a Friends house and he is old enough for a key, but still to me its like a milestone, and shows me just how much he is growing up.

OK, I really am going to go clean now.

Because I am procrastinating

First things first.

It is way to early to be up. I know, your thinking "its 9AM!" but when you got two hours of sleep trust me 9AM is too early. I feel like a walking zombie, my face looks like I need sleep and the last thing I feel like doing is going out and going dress shopping today. I so don't feel like putting a dress on, taking it off and repeating the process over and over again. Ugh! why did I agree to this? Plus its cold out, and I have a ton too do which I don't want to do, but today is the last day before my mom comes and the basics of cleaning a house besides organizing, putting toys away, and scrubbing down walls, showers, tubs and sinks need to be done. I would have done it before today but I knew I would still re-do it again so my thought was why do it twice? 

Oops. Let me back up to the dress thing. You might be asking yourself "I thought you were not going to buy a dress but wear one from a past event" and the answer is yes, and no. Im not sure to be truthful what I will do. The need to save my money and spend it on things like dinner out with my mom or at Pikes Place Market or just for the heck of saving appeals to me a great deal. However I found some beautiful dresses at the stores site (again) and if they have them, and if they are beautiful and fit and are not a ton of money I probably will cave. But since I am not in the mood for trying things on today that might work in favor of re-wearing a dress I already have. So we are playing the wait and see game. 

As for my mom, I am excited. Besides moping, sweeping, changing the sheets on the beds, vacuuming and dusting I have to run and get coffee, soda and milk and see if I can find the movie Australia since everyone tells me how good it is and the NEX did not have it (I am guessing it was sold out) Now lets pray for good weather (no rain, sun, warmer) for our outings. I am off to blare my favorite song on the radio while I get ready in hopes my energy will spike and make me more perky for what is to be a very, VERY long day.

Lets hope Hannah is in a better mood than I am. 

Just a few things

A person I know and talk to on a regular basis made fun of me because I walked to the NEX on base. If you know me I am the type of person who I will just give you a dumb look and shrug my shoulders instead of say something to defend myself, but only when I don't see the benefit to speaking up because honestly sometimes its just not worth it. This was one of those times, or should I say this was one of those people. I mean why would I not walk? It was sunny, it was nice you, its a 10 minute walk and a sidewalk through housing there and I only needed a few things that were not heavy. The kids were up for a walk and so we went. I mean this way we are not hoping in the car to hop out a minute later, wasting the gas and the time to park. Plus the exercise benefit, and when you live in a state where it rains allot from November to April you get out side for fresh air and sun when you can. Maybe its just me, but I saw nothing wrong with walking.  

Its just like when I put the kids in swimming in the summer, we walk. Again its 10 minutes, the gym when we need to go is always packed and not worth the fight to find a spot and I like to walk. 

Since I brought up exercise I have been trying my hardest to tone my body. I don't need to lose weight (and no I am not bragging just making a statement) I have a routine and bought a few tapes for dance aerobics (those are the ones that hold my interest) I have a boot camp work out DVD too however I have really not used them. Its like the Wii fit we have and only used for the first few months, and then it got put in its place and has not been out since. I blame the coffee table that needs to be moved out of the way to make room for the work outs or Wii fit. Actually I blame the layout of the house which sucks, but I cant really do much about that. It is my goal however to get in shape, start running and working out more. I even eyed a very pretty treadmill that was $1000 off at the NEX today but sadly we really don't have the room for it, plus I am not a fan of treadmills, maybe an exercise bike though?

I need to learn how to caulk. This is usually Chris's job, but since he is in no position to help its up to me. See I, while on my super cleaning freak out cleaned the tile in the shower used very strong stuff (that said it was meant for that job alone) and it ate away at the caulking between tiles. Now I'm not sure what would happen if I ignored it and kept using my shower, but I also do not want to find out. We had friends who had half their upstairs bathroom end up downstairs due to a leak, and I do not want that to happen to me. Plus I don't think Gracie would like that much either since her kennel is down below the shower. Though that was not here in Washington, but I am not about to take any chances. 

I really need to go to bed, I have a big day of dress shopping and cleaning and running errands, damn daylight savings time for screwing up my schedule!

Navy wedding vows

Navy Wedding Vows

Dear family and friends, we are gathered here today in the sight of God and the Department of the Navy, to witness this exchange of vows, and see the love that these two dedicated, loving people have for one another.

"Wilt thou, __________, take ___________ as your dependent, to dwell together in so far as the Department of the Navy will permit? Wilt thou love her, comfort her via the postal service, E-mail, or over the phone, make sure she knows where the commissary, Exchange, and church are, and what pier your ship is docked at and your department telephone number (so she won’t bother the Messenger of the Watch on the quarterdeck) the day she arrives, wherever you are stationed?""Wilt thou attempt to tell her more than 24 hours in advance that you will be pulling out for two weeks or more, beginning the next morning?" This especially applies to the years you will live in Virginia, California,Washington State, and Florida!

"Wilt thou ____________, take this Sailor as thy wedded husband, knowing that he is depending upon you to be the perfect independent Navy wife,running the household as you see fit, taking part in established Navy traditions even if no one can explain them anymore, and being nice to the Captain’s wife? (though she may remind you of your new mother-in-law.)

Furthermore, you understand that your life with your husband (little that you may have together) will not be normal, that you may have to explain to your children, not once, but twice, and more often in the same day, that mothers do have husbands, and that children do have daddy’s, and that the picture of the man on the refrigerator is the same individual who tucks them in at 2200 hours, long after they are asleep. This Sailor is their daddy, who loves them very, very, very much.

"Wilt thou love, respect and wait for him, preparing and mailing his favorite cookies (including some for his shipmates) and pictures of yourself and the kids, so he can remember what you look like? And last but not least,always pick him up at the pier when the ship pulls in (or the day after if he is in the duty section) and put on the outside of your door a ’Welcome Home sign"

"I, _________,Take thee_________ as my wife, from 1900 to 0430 hours or as long as allowed by my duty section leader and the Captain (subject to change without notice), for better or worse, earlier or later, near or far, and I promise to look at the pictures you send me, but not until after my watch is over, but before I turn the lights out in my rack. I will also send a letter or E-mail (if I am allowed access to a terminal), if time permits, and if not, to somehow, some way, make the time by sleeping even less than operational tasking permits."

"I, _________, take thee,_________as my husband, realizing that your comings and goings and 0530 musters are normal (although absurd to me) and part of your life as a Sailor. I promise not to be shocked or taken by surprise when you inform me that, although we’ve just arrived at our new duty station, we will be leaving within the month because of a detailer mistake or a CNO priority billet. Yes, I’ll have you as my husband as long as while your are away my allotment comes through regularly, that you leave me a current power of attorney and the checkbook at all times. I am a family member and proud of it, dependent upon myself and my resources. Although I miss you when you are away, I know I can handle whatever comes across my path and make you proud."

"Now then, let no man or woman put asunder what God and the Department of the Navy have brought together. The Navy hereby issues you this lovely,dedicated, independent woman, knowing that she’ll be an asset not only to your marriage, but also to the mission of the United States Navy, which is, as you all know, to remain in a high state of Readiness. By the authority vested in the Bible, elaborated in the regulation and subject to current directives concerning the aspects of marriage in the Navy, you are now a Sailor with a Dependent. Best Wishes and good Luck

I got this from a friend and thought it was cute and it is mostly how you feel and what life is like.

Why did I agree to this again?

Ignore the fact that we are not smiling because at the point of this picture we were a tad bit drunk (or maybe it was more than a tad) and tired from a long night of dancing and it was late. The whole point of this picture is the dress. Remember how I have been talking about needing to buy a dress? Well I am thinking of wearing this one. Granted the picture really does not do it justice, I am slouching and its longer than it should be (I will get that altered if I do wear it again) and there is no real boobage to fill out the top, but hey, they make little cup filler that will help that area out. 

So yeah, my though was why spend allot of money on a brand new princess dress when I have a good dress in my closet that no one but my husband has seen on this side of the coast? And besides my husband wont even be here. I mean why buy a dress he wont see me in? And don't say "you can wear the dress you buy again" I wont, not unless we move away because I'm not one to wear the same dress twice around the same people. Do I sound stuck up? yeah, maybe I am a bit, but that's not what is up for discussion right now.

Its a pretty dress, it wont cost me a dime unless I do get it altered and I wont feel so bad about going to a ball without my husband, not like he would care as long as I don't do anything I should not do, which I wouldn't. 

However I say this now but I have yet to go dress shopping with my friends, which means I may see the most beautiful dress ever and not be able to resist the urge to buy it. Sad huh? I know I said we were supposed to have already gone shopping but sick kids prevented that. 

Why did I agree to go to a ball again without my husband? And when did I get so stingy about money?

My views on life as a military wife

A friend asked me what its like to go through a deployment, and I have never really been asked that before. Its obviously different for any person who has a spouse in the military and all depends on what that deployment means. My husbands deployments are really patrols. He has done many of them, and though Id like to say they get easier, they never do. He goes out to sea for extended periods of time. There is no letters, or care packages or phone calls while he is away. Its like the person you love becomes a ghost. Someone you think about and miss but have no clue where they are, or what they are doing or how they are doing. You don't know if they are OK, or what they had for breakfast or dinner. You don't know when they get sick, or how they liked the cards you sent with them when they left. You kiss them goodbye the day they leave with a hug that you don't want to end and a smile that says "I am brave" so your loved one and kids don't see the pain that hides beneath because you have to be strong for them. You really feel like a single mom. For me my heart aches every day he is gone. I think of him all the time, look at pictures and watch videos of the past and take videos of the present for him to watch when he gets back so he has something of what he missed while he was away. For me its hard when I go home to visit in the summers and attend family functions without my husband. When I got to weddings alone, funerals alone. When I go to party's and I don't have my husband to laugh with, recount the night with, talk with, drink with, especially when everyone around me does have their spouse and I feel left out. 

If you have a husband imagine your kids doing something cute, or new and not being able to tell him about it right away. Or having something exciting, or sad happen to you and the one person you want to tell more than anything you cant. Imagine not knowing what he is doing each and every day?

I'm always afraid my husband is going to come back a different man. I have seen it happen. I have seen husbands come home and no longer want to be married, no longer want to be on the path they are one, or they come back so different that the marriage just falls apart. I worry it will happen to us. I know my husband loves me, and I really do believe we will be OK and that wont happen, but I have to wonder how many wives who have had it happen to them thought the same thing? I know my husband has his worries too when he is gone. While I worry he will come home a changed person, he worries he will come home and I will be waiting with divorce papers or to an empty house. That too happens, and my poor husband has seen many friends go through that heart ache, I of course would never do that too him, but I think its natural for both sides of the marriage to have their worries when it comes to the distance and time apart and what life will hold when they are reunited.

The reunited part is the best. The call letting you know they are coming home. The butterflies and excitement of getting things ready, getting yourself ready. The waiting which seems like forever the day they are to arrive and then when you get to see them. I can pick my husband out of a group of men all in uniforms when he comes home, all by his walk. I sometimes wish I could video tape the reunion because it really is a very happy day. The way your eyes lock, the way the smile spreads across your face, the way you run into each others arms and hug so tightly to one another not wanting to let go. The way the kids scream and run into their dads arms. Watching the kids with their dad always makes me cry, though that might be because I am happy he is home, but it is amazing to see the joy and happiness on my kids faces, and my husbands. Its like a honeymoon all over again. The happiness, the tears, the laughter, the smiles and never ending hugs. Its like your in a dream. You wait to wake up and him be gone again and it takes a few days for it to really sink in that he is home. 

Deployments suck. They are hard, and sad and long. Days are filled with worry and wonder and longing. A huge part of you is missing, and it takes time to adjust to life with him here, and then gone, and then home again. I remember once about two weeks after my husband had returned when we were fighting over something stupid and my mom called and I was venting to her about it, and she said "but he just got home, how can you be fighting already?" first off its more like bickering. Second you make many adjustments. You adjust to life with them here, and then you adjust to them being gone, so when they come back after many weeks/months of being away its hard to merge back into a normal routine. Him going from an 18 hour day to a 24 hour day and us going from a family of three back to a family of four (and a dog of course) 

So that is what life as a military wife is like for me, and as I said this is just how I feel and I am in no way speaking on behalf of anyone else as every persons opinions and experiences may be different. 

The missing blog

I had written a post last night but deleted it this morning. I guess I really do care about hurting people and there for lost my back bone and deleted it before someone stumbled upon it and got upset by what I wrote, even though its how I feel, and how my husband feels. I am to nice sometimes in caring about people who really don't seem to care when they do something to hurt me, my kids or my husband. 

The point of the disappearing blog was people who seem to get pissed off at something they themselves do. I know its common and most people do not realize they too are doing the same thing they are upset about, but that was the blog which is now gone.

Why do I care so much about hurting peoples feelings? Why do I have to feel bad when I say or do something that really does need to be said? I hate not being more mean sometimes. I hate that I can say "I don't care" when really I do. 

Sometimes it sucks to be a girl.

I love wearing Ball gowns, I just hate shopping for them, oh, and paying for them seeing as a decent ball gown seems to be pricey. Lets not forget the cost of alterations, which I always seem to need since I am short and have barely any boobs to hold a dress up. Frustrating, Frustrating, Frustrating.

So why do I need a ball gown? well I am going to the Sub ball. The Submarine ball is a ball for, well the people serving in the submarine force and their dates/spouses. It happens every year and is a formal affair. There is dinner, drinks, dancing and all that fun stuff. I have never been. Always wanted to go, but my husband has had duty or been gone when the Sub ball happens so we just have not gone. So I am excited about the ball, just not about the whole dress thing.

Friday will be the first dress shopping day so wish me luck. I want to go for the princess look. The bodice type top with the puffy bottom. Usually I do the slinky dresses to command functions and want to do something different this year.

I did find a web site that makes dresses custom. You send them your measurements and they make the dress you pick out but it takes several weeks to get the dress, which means I may not get the dress in time. Plus who is to say the quality of the dresses would be good.

Why did I agree to go again? Maybe I will grow 2 inches and get some boobs before Friday, one can hope cant they?

Looking at the website of the place in town I fell in love with these three dresses (they come in different colors) however after getting all excited that I found three dresses I LOVED! I realized they were being clearanced out which means they probably wont have the color or dress I want in my size. I am very upset over this and I would so get in my car and drive over there however I have a sick kid, a cranky 4 year old and my friends son that I am watching for part of the day. I guess I can wait until tomorrow with fingers crossed. Did I mention I really loved these dresses?

You know the guys are lucky. Why us women are out stressing over dresses they don't have a thing to worry about because they wear their dress uniforms. Sometimes it sucks to be a girl

Just a bit for now

I hardly every write about me. I mean in the sense of really describing you I am. Obviously I am a military wife, a mom of two. A dog owner, but that is about it. So I decided to slowly and over the course of the next few weeks really try to do just that, describe who I am.

First off I am shy. I don't recall every being this shy. I mean in College I was more talkative and out going, and same in the work force, but now, and maybe all along I have been so shy that I come off rude, or mean or snobbish because I am so quite. I try to be more outgoing, more talkative and to be braver with initiating conversations and such but its like I go all numb. I want to contribute to a conversation or say something witty but my voice gets stuck in my throat. There are very few people who see the real me where I am silly, and outgoing and loud and hyper and not afraid to say anything on my mind and it takes me a really long time to get that way with people. Its harder now that I move around so much, or I am always saying goodbye to friends who I meet and then they move away to let people in. That's another thing, I'm very guarded. I have a wall up and its very rare I put down my wall for people. I mean even Chris had to over come my wall. After I had Jordan I changed and I became guarded of my son and myself. It didn't help dealing with the wives who give military wives a bad name. 

Also I have panic attacks. These were rare in the past but have over time become more common. I hate making phone calls, and it takes me along time to be able to call even a friend. There are still family members I panic over calling and I end up sending emails or just not calling. Again this makes me look like a flake but I really am not, at least in the whole shy/phone call aspect of things.  I know there is medicine out there to help with these but I hate taking medicine, it takes a very painful headache for me to even consider popping a Tylenol. 

What else can I say about myself. I think I am a nice person. I try to be at least. I try not to gossip or create drama, that is all apart of my past. If I do gossip usually its only to two people, my mom or my husband. These are the two people I can tell anything too. I trust them and go to them for advice. My husband tells me I am to nice. To the point that I let people walk all over me. I am working on that. I am trying to build a back bone and speak my mind more. I used to always worry what others thought about me, now I am caring less and less when it comes to certain people. I hate confrontation. 

I know, I sound like a wimp, and maybe I am. I have been through allot, though that is one thing I wont go into on here, but it changed me and made me more cautious. I do think I have changed for the better though, even when I need to work on being more aggressive and not so passive. 

I cry now more than I ever did. Over the stupidest things. A song, a commercial, a movie or TV show. I blame the kids, they make you soft. 

My biggest fear is losing my kids or my husband. I would do anything for them. I cant imagine them not in my life. Having a husband in the military its hard when he leaves and I know there is a chance he may not come home. Granted everyday you risk something horrible happening, but its hard to kiss my husband goodbye and pray he comes home to me safe and sound. 

I got a college degree in Medical coding and billing. I don't remember why I went into that field but I kicked ass in it. I graduated with honors and was always on the deans list and had an almost perfect GPA (it would have been perfect but I did not always have the views needed for my law and ethics class, guess that's what you get when you have an old bat who believes you should not have kids unless you are married, but that is another story) I loved College, and if I had the time, or money I would so go back, though this time for a degree I want to pursue, though I still don't know what that is.

I am a night owl. I could stay up all night and sleep all day, though I don't because that would not make for a very good wife or mom now would it? I am also the worlds lightest sleeper and wake up at the drop of a hat. I have to sleep in total darkness, and I have to sleep facing the door, on my side, thank goodness my husband could care less what side of the bed he sleeps on because otherwise we might have problems. I blame my sister for this. When I was a small child she would tell me horror stories and have me watch scary movies when she babysat that left me sleeping the way I do now. The only difference from then and now is I no longer sleep with the covers wrapped around my head so only my nose and eyes peak out. 

So yeah, there is a small insight into me, I know its not allot, but its a start. 

Some of this and that

Why do people feel the need to go out in their PJ bottoms? No, I'm not talking about sweats but actual PJ bottoms. Today while I was at the store I saw not one, but three people in PJ bottoms, one was in her Christmas ones, and one that I noticed was wearing the slippers to go with it.

Now I get it if your sick and at the store to get medicine, but these women were shopping, and one even had a fake crown on her head, hair all disheveled. So I'm really hoping she out on a dare, otherwise someone should nominate her for an episode of "what not to wear" now I apologize if your one of those people who does indeed go out to the mall or grocery store in PJ bottoms, but that is not something I would ever do, not unless I had nothing else to wear and even then Id wait for clean clothing. Maybe I am a snob but I just think its odd.

On a totally different note I watched two episodes on the Discovery Channel "I was bitten"
oh my God, I spent half the time shivering and covering my eyes. There was one story about a boy who was bitten by a bot fly and eventually the larva that was laid turned into maggots and they showed him pulling the maggot like bugs out of these big holes in his legs. All I have to say is yuck! I can watch scary movies and not have nightmares but all night long I had freaky dreams about bugs in my skin. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

And lastly, as I jump from topic to topic which are not related to each other I have decided to look for a wig for Hannah. Now originally I would not care if she did not care about her lack of hair but she is upset by it and wants to comb her hair, and put it up in pony tails. It really breaks my heart to see how sad she is by her lack of hair and so I searched the web for wigs for kids and found a few that are cute, expensive, but cute. So now I am looking to take a trip to Seattle where they sell the wigs I found online to try them on and see if Hannah will indeed wear it and to make sure it looks cute and real on her and not totally funny. If it makes her happy I will happily spend the $150-250 dollars to give her hair. The things we will do for our kids.

So that's it, well not really, I could keep jumping around with many more topics, but the dog of mine smells like wet dog and its driving me nuts so I am going to attempt to bath my 75 pound dog by myself and hope she smells better, wish me luck, she usually wins when its her against me in the bath category.