I sat there tonight in a sad attempt to fall asleep looking at the empty side of the bed. A side that has been empty for a few weeks now and when It hit me how much longer I would have to sleep in the bed where my husband should be I started to cry and cry and cry some more. Up until now I have held it together. I have had moments where I sit and my heart hurts but it passes because I push myself onto other things to keep me busy and my mind preoccupied so the heart that hurts is forgotten as much as possible. It’s never fully forgotten, at least not for me. It always throbs with the loneliness and many ways I miss him, but there is not much I can do about that now is there but to go on with each day and with each day realize that it’s a day closer to him coming home.
I had confided in a friend whose husband barely goes out to sea or works long hours a few days ago, a friend who has no kids and she mocked me about being sad. Maybe I am not a normal military wife but how can someone not miss there husband when he is gone. When you can’t call him up when there is a problem or the kids are sick? You can’t see him or hear his voice or read a letter. I’d like to believe this is how most wives feel but maybe I am wrong. As I said I should be used to this, Ive done so many patrols. Patrols where Ive had to do deal with the deaths of Grandparents and friends, Aunts and Uncles. Having morning sickness, and dealing with a new born baby. I had to plan and almost attend a wedding by myself due to delays and by the grace of a very understanding and wonderful XO did I get my husband home for that day or else I would have done it alone. I have had to move while I was 6 months pregnant.
So why is this one so hard? I am guessing that it just feels hard, and I am pretty certain that with every patrol I felt this way but then you just get so used to is that it is still hard but it’s what you know, and then the patrol ends and they come home and you soon forget about that patrol and don’t deal with it till the next one.
I am strong, and for the friend who told me I was not, well you are wrong. I wish I could have my husband go out to sea and not notice, not care he is gone and not be sad. I wish when my kids were both sick and then they get me sick and I have to do it all alone I did not break down and cry wishing my husband was there to help out even just a little. Everyone handles patrols differently I guess, and just because I miss my husband does not make me weak, but I would like to believe normal and maybe this is mean, but a good wife.
I knew marrying Chris that the military always comes first. That we move where they tell us to, and that him missing holidays and birthdays and anniversaries was something that would happen. I get that, I accept it. I have told my husband time and time again that we would follow him to the ends of the earth no matter how horrible the place might be. (but let’s hope that never, EVER happens)because it is what you do as a military wife. It’s something that comes with the territory. Still does not mean life is always easy and you don’t curse the skies because you’re having a bad day and you don’t have the one person you want to vent to the most around or a shoulder to cry on. Would I trade this for anything else, no, I may have to give up dreams of going back to college for now, or traveling or buying and living in a house for longer the 3 years but I know with patience and time those things will come. If I really wanted to end this lifestyle I would tell my husband to no re-enlist next year (or is it this year, wow, time flies) But I know that in this economy even with both of us having degrees this is the best option for us and honestly Chris has been blessed with many opportunity’s and open doors that I think once we do get out we will be better off, or so I hope.
So I am not going to apologize for having weak moments or feel like a bad wife for missing my husband. Honestly I don’t know why I feel like I have to justify that comment at all, but here I am anyway doing just that. Oh well. So what, I miss my husband. I find myself looking out the upstairs window that overlooks where Chris’s truck should be, I sometimes accidentally set a 4Th place setting for dinner and I often buy a movie we wanted to see in theaters with the intention of watching it only to put it aside where it will wait for a husband, a blanket and a bucket of popcorn.
I think that hardest part is for Chris. I realized today as I carried Hannah upstairs and she had her little hands wrapped around my neck and her head on my shoulder that when he gets back she will be too big and old to wrap her little arms around his neck. She will have outgrown that cuddly stage where she wants to sit on your lap or wants lots of hugs. I already see how she is changing. I mean the girl is going to school next year and he will miss her first day. Watching her cross the street to the school grounds with Jordan. Jordan himself is turning more into a teenager even though he still has 3 years till he can officially be called that. They grow and change so fast. I Watch them grow and learn and make accomplishments and he misses out. I think that for me is the hardest part, not doing it alone but wishing he was here to witness all this with me. I know that is what a camcorder is for, but It’s not the same.
Maybe I should stop writing and go to bed, the drowsiness is making me ramble and I probably don’t make any sense at all today.
On a side note I was attacked by a tree today. No, not a real one but our fake Christmas tree. See I took it down and realized Chris had put all the boxes up in the rafters behind lots of stuff and not wanting to kill myself to get to them I decided to put the three tree pieces in the storage closet in the garage, and forgetting about it when I opened the door they all came crashing down on me. It was not fun and I have scratches to prove it. Remind me when my husband does get back that there is a tree that will attack him to when he opens to closet door and until then I think I should put a sign on the door to remind myself as well, especially seeing as I hardly ever go in there.
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